Yesterday was a new experience. I did not celebrate Christmas with the Gilmartin family. I made the decision to not attend around three weeks ago after my brother and sister responded in rage toward an episode of my podcast.
“You badmouthed the family.”
“You hurt some people.”
I have asked, “Who and How,” but to no avail.
“Listen to your podcast again.”
Their chant without examples or specific information. Anger and frustration consumed me. I said things in anger. Wish I hadn’t, but they cannot be erased.
In all honesty, I recorded episode without malicious intent or desire to cause the family pain. Episode 8 (every episode for that matter) focuses on mental disorders, coping mechanisms, and how those closest to us play a part. Somehow translation became skewed.
“You badmouthed the family.”
It appears no one wants to discuss the overall issue. I know because they are never brought up.
What is the overall issue? Well, in regards to the podcast, it focuses on dealing with my disorders.
ADD
OCD
Major Depressive Disorder
Psychological and Verbal as a child
How family typically plays a role in the abuse
But it’s more than that. It’s how all of us cope. What we experience. And hopefully, we gain some insight and healing.
I would love to talk to them about it; however, I cannot make them sit down and listen. Perhaps they’re not ready. If someone close to me told them I was hurting them emotionally or mentally, would I respond the same or differently? In the past, I have responded negatively and positively.
We could spend our entire life going over hypotheticals and not achieve our goals.
All things considered, I am doing well. The meds help greatly. However, the cognitive exercises I picked up in some books and therapy have also helped. This week held a great chance of backsliding. Giving into self-doubt and negative self-talk. There was also an opportunity to get into an ill-advised argument with a family member who dropped by the house. I am still confused by some of the things said today.
“You screwed up…burned bridges…irreparable damage…done with you.”
Have any of you experienced a conversation like this?
Of course you have. This seems common for children today and yesterday I actually remember hearing and having these conversations while growing up. As a child how do you process it? How do you not let it affect you?
Get over it?
Ignore it?
Difficult, especially for a developing child.
Why do we hurt others like this? Hurt people hurt other people to feel some sort of healing. A shame this has become a norm. However, it doesn’t mean we should accept it as normal behavior.
My advice is to move forward. If some still hurt you with negative talk and manipulation, you do not have to spend time with them. Easier said than done, but it’s something therapists highly suggest.
I have decided to spend more time with my children.
With my wife.
With my friends.
Helping at church.
Writing.
Podcasting.
Work.
Does this mean I am done with my family? No. I am saying right now, as I heal, it’s best for me to stay away. Sometimes we make the mistake of trying to “fix” or “change” people. I believe that is something I would try and do right now, which would only make matters worse. I also think if a family member spoke to me, my wife, or children in a negative way, I would allow anger to get the best of me and respond hurtful word for hurtful word.
Growth is difficult.
As is change.
We have to believe it can occur.
For me, it’s through Christ.
Hearts will heal.
Minds will grow.
Not on our time
And not in our way.
As a child, who would have thought life could be this complex?
