Trolls

I believe a certain person or two is trolling the blog. Facts mentioned in the last post were manipulated, dissected, and distorted into fallacy. One lied and said he was ready to listen when in fact he only wanted an "in" so he could once again tell me his uninformed take on this entire mess.

Why is an 18 year old the supposed voice for certain people in their fifties? Capable people.

If I wasn't angry before, I am now.

But I won't let the darkness in.

I cannot allow hate to win my heart.

I will love those who are acting unlovable.

So many have been in a similar situation. At times it feels easier to give up, say you're sorry, and move on as if nothing had happened.

But this isn't about winning and losing. No one is winning here. Lack of communication continues.

However, a light did shine yesterday. One reached out, kindly and compassionately, and asked to speak in person. She appears genuine. I hope we can come to some sort of understanding. Because honestly, the lack of understanding and the overabundance of assumptions drives me insane.

How about you?

I pray I have a positive update to write on Saturday.

Holiday Revelation

Yesterday was a new experience. I did not celebrate Christmas with the Gilmartin family. I made the decision to not attend around three weeks ago after my brother and sister responded in rage toward an episode of my podcast.

“You badmouthed the family.”
“You hurt some people.”

I have asked, “Who and How,” but to no avail.

“Listen to your podcast again.”

Their chant without examples or specific information. Anger and frustration consumed me. I said things in anger. Wish I hadn’t, but they cannot be erased.

In all honesty, I recorded episode without malicious intent or desire to cause the family pain. Episode 8 (every episode for that matter) focuses on mental disorders, coping mechanisms, and how those closest to us play a part. Somehow translation became skewed.

“You badmouthed the family.”

It appears no one wants to discuss the overall issue. I know because they are never brought up.

What is the overall issue? Well, in regards to the podcast, it focuses on dealing with my disorders.

ADD
OCD
Major Depressive Disorder
Psychological and Verbal as a child
How family typically plays a role in the abuse

But it’s more than that. It’s how all of us cope. What we experience. And hopefully, we gain some insight and healing.

I would love to talk to them about it; however, I cannot make them sit down and listen. Perhaps they’re not ready. If someone close to me told them I was hurting them emotionally or mentally, would I respond the same or differently? In the past, I have responded negatively and positively.

We could spend our entire life going over hypotheticals and not achieve our goals.

All things considered, I am doing well. The meds help greatly. However, the cognitive exercises I picked up in some books and therapy have also helped. This week held a great chance of backsliding. Giving into self-doubt and negative self-talk. There was also an opportunity to get into an ill-advised argument with a family member who dropped by the house. I am still confused by some of the things said today.

“You screwed up…burned bridges…irreparable damage…done with you.”

Have any of you experienced a conversation like this?
Of course you have. This seems common for children today and yesterday I actually remember hearing and having these conversations while growing up. As a child how do you process it? How do you not let it affect you?

Get over it?
Ignore it?

Difficult, especially for a developing child.

Why do we hurt others like this? Hurt people hurt other people to feel some sort of healing. A shame this has become a norm. However, it doesn’t mean we should accept it as normal behavior.

My advice is to move forward. If some still hurt you with negative talk and manipulation, you do not have to spend time with them. Easier said than done, but it’s something therapists highly suggest.

I have decided to spend more time with my children.
With my wife.
With my friends.
Helping at church.
Writing.
Podcasting.
Work.

Does this mean I am done with my family? No. I am saying right now, as I heal, it’s best for me to stay away. Sometimes we make the mistake of trying to “fix” or “change” people. I believe that is something I would try and do right now, which would only make matters worse. I also think if a family member spoke to me, my wife, or children in a negative way, I would allow anger to get the best of me and respond hurtful word for hurtful word.

Growth is difficult.
As is change.
We have to believe it can occur.
For me, it’s through Christ.
Hearts will heal.
Minds will grow.
Not on our time
And not in our way.

As a child, who would have thought life could be this complex?

Hmmm

I am not staying on top of the blog. Meant this to correlate with the podcast. Time to be active. Taking notes now for an upcoming entry.

Holidays and Family

Today was intense. I shall not get into too much detail but it involved a slew of F bombs flying around from me toward one of my sisters and my lone brother. Things escalated. I left. So, I am giving myself a day to objectively think about it, vent any feelings that may remain, and gain some perspective before recording Episode 8. I would hate to use Episode 8 as a platform for venting my frustrations. That is, and never will be, the purpose of the show. I have typed up extensive notes for tomorrow night's episode and cannot wait to record it. I will discuss some of what occurred today. The main focus for Episode 8, however, is on Negative Self-Talk. This is a very intense topic and has been difficult to prepare for. I have had to go back to my past and re-experience some old hurts. I am doing well now, but those first few days last week took some prayer and breathing exercises. I had to force myself to write notes because I realized I was procrastinating this very topic.

I hope you guys enjoy it.
Until tomorrow evening.

Addison

Last Thursday, my daughter presented an unusual request. Well, let's say unusual for the normies out there. This request was typical of Addison's personality. She wanted to bring her umbrella to school. The sky was slightly overcast but certainly no chance for rain. I guess she read my confusion because she proceeded to explain.
"I'm a vampire and don't want the sun to burn me."
Made perfect sense.
We have been enjoying the Adventure Time miniseries "Stakes", a 6 episode arc centered around Marceline the Vampire Queen and her origin. If you haven't watched Adventure Time, I highly suggest you stop what you're doing and watch it. Greatest show ever.
"No problem." I told Addison.
So worth it seeing her smile the way she did.
Now, we had not yet eaten breakfast, so I pulled into the convenient store she and I frequent from time to time. Addison unbluckled and grabbed her umbrella. I stood with her door open and stared in silence. This is one of those times where my brain goes into overthink mode and time and space freeze. A million thoughts process and spiral from one end to the other. The first thought to fully form was to tell her to leave the umbrella in the car. She would ask why. I would try to make up a reason so as not to say "because I don't want people to think we're weird."
Then, another thought. A better thought.
Do I want my daughter to grow up with the worry of how others view her?
If she took the umbrella into the store, would anyone come to harm? No.
Time and Space unfroze and life resumed as normal.
"Sure." I said.
Addison held the umbrella from car to store, loudly declaring she needed protection from the sun since she was a vampire.
I am glad and thankful the Holy Spirit gave me pause. My initial desired response to tell Addison no was purely reactive due to years of social fear instilled by an unhealthy childhood. I don't want history to repeat itself with my daughter. I don't want to live with that fear anymore. I have an opportunity to give my daughter a mentally healthy life, so we will let our weird, creative, and freak flag fly.

Progress Report 3

Will air sometime tomorrow night. I will record tomorrow evening around 9 PM and then post sometime after that. Sadly, my laptop is glitching out and I will soon have to purchase a new one. However, I have enough juice left in her to record the next episode. Just thought I would throw out an update in case anyone was wondering why a new episode did not hit tonight or tomorrow morning.

Some Success

Well, it appears the podcast is gaining a small following. This is amazing. I really can't think of anything else to say because I am almost incapable of accepting compliments or success. That will be a topic for another episode. I am hoping to have my friend Rick Poindexter on the show in 2 weeks. Episode 8: Anxiety with Rick. Has a nice ring to it. I shouldn't talk about it too much because merely mentioning it this weekend started to give him a panic attack.

Episode 6

Episode 6 is up and running. This is my first attempt to interview a guest, and I think it worked out fantastically.

New Episode!

I completed episode four last night and uploaded it this morning. Cough finally let up enough so I could record episode 4. Things get a little bit more real as I discuss growing up ADD without a diagnosis and how it negatively affected most of my life. Don't worry, there are some fun and lighthearted moments in there as well. Hope you enjoy.

Delay

Episode 4 is delayed. I hate that. I love to develop a consistency with art. Whether a podcast or writing, I want to participate in a consistent time frame. Alas, the situation is beyond my control, and if I have learned anything in therapy and celebrate recovery it is that I cannot worry or stress over situations beyond my control. I have been sick with a terrible cold since Wednesday. I am unable to go ten minutes straight without coughing. I did try to record episode 4 on Friday, but after 5 minutes in I had to pause due to a coughing fit. I hope to record tonight because I begin the new job tomorrow. Here is to hoping.

Delay

Well, I had episode three completed. Was giving it a listen before adding the intro music. It sounded like shit. Pardon the language, but it was awful. Grainy. Distorted. High pitched squealing. What in the world had happened. My first thoughts were that my sound card busted. Then I worried it was the headset. Nope. Those checked out okay.

Bonehead mistake on my part. I forgot to make sure the laptop mic was turned off. Yep, I recorded the episode through both the headset and the laptop mic. I couldn't fix it. I tried. Tampered with noise reduction. I made improvement, but it still sounds like crap. So, I will record once again later tonight. After everyone goes to bed of course. Episode 3 will be out tomorrow.

Yes...tomorrow.
I hope.

Obsessing with Compulsions

Episode two is up. I had my good friend Damion Ledbetter create some intro and outro music. I hope you guys like it.

Enjoy

http://delicatewrinkles.podomatic.com

Episode 2

I will record episode 2 tonight. A day late but hey, this is fun and not life or death. Funny I have to remind myself that my art does not need to be perfect. That lives do not hang in the balance. My future is not dictated by the smallest detail of my work.

Tonight's episode is on OCD.
Until then, my you find serenity because our brain has a knack of giving us hell.

Obsessively paranoid

So, after I uploaded episode one of the Delicate Wrinkle Podcast, quite a few friends and acquaintances downloaded and listened to it. I honestly was not expecting that. But, listening to a podcast is not quite as involved as reading a two hundred page novel, so...
The responses were positive. A few suggestions (which was expected) but nothing major.

I have been obsessing over episode two since Friday of last week. What will I talk about? Don't want to give too much and go over an hour and a half. Is an hour and a half too long? Should I cut it down to an hour? What about content? I know, I'll two a "special" type of episode between each regular episode. But I can't do that after an introductory episode; it wouldn't make any sense.

So I gave into the compulsions and played MTGO. All freaking weekend. I kept winning free games. I couldn't stop. Didn't want to stop. Today, I fought the compulsion and refrained. My mind did a little reboot and is feeling better about the episode, which is now a day late. But I cannot dwell on time frames.

I am going to record tomorrow. Topic will be on OCD and how much the diagnosis surprised me and then five minutes later made all the sense in the world. If it sucks...it sucks. If no one likes it...no one likes it.

Obsessive and Compulsive

I spent the entire weekend playing MTGO. It was prerelease weekend for Battle for Zendikar. It's complete now. Over. I have uninstalled the program. Time to get back to work.

Episode One

I have decided to turn the blog into a platform for my podcast. Yes, I created a podcast. At first it surprised me that I would do such a thing. However, after much thought, I remembered my cousin Kelly and I would create radio shows with my old cassette player back in the late 80's. The time we had.

For a few months I have been listening to podcasts for a few hours a day. Can't get enough of the stuff. Crime podcasts seem to be my favorite. The mystery. The intrigue. The unsolved murders. The innocent arrested. It's all interesting stuff. Engaging. Entertaining. And definitely educational. Three important qualities for storytelling if you didn't know already.

*interruption*

I walked away from the computer to go pee (I downed some fresh brewed green tea so now I'm peeing like crazy), and came back to see that once again, my computer had randomly shut down. These sudden and unexplained shutdowns were frequent over a year ago, but after purchasing and installing an SSD, the shutdowns stopped. Well, for the past month they have begun again. About once every few days. I am not a fan of this. No sirree. It could possibly deter my progress with OCD. Hmmm, I hope I don't start obsessing about it shutting off while I am in the middle of writing a groundbreaking paragraph to the Spiral Effect. Or, while I am in the middle of recording my podcast. I constantly save my progress while working on anything; however, I save about once every few minutes. I might have to make it more frequent.
Don't obsess over it.

Anyway, the point? Google saved my progress on this post. I was under the assumption I would need to begin a anew. But that's not the case, so we can move forward.
Yipee.

I have to leave for therapy in about fifteen minutes.

The podcast is going to focus on my mental disorders. Particularly OCD, ADD, and Depression. I plan to discuss my responses to learning about these disorders, how I lived before diagnosis, how I'm currently living, how unblisslfully unaware I was, parental take, medications, basically everything and anything you can think of. I plan to have guests and get into personal stories from my past.
Why?
Well, I believe it's important. I truly feel like the Holy Spirit is leading me to do this. Am I crazy? Maybe. But I find more comfort and purpose in things like this than working a 9-5 and sitting in front of the TV after a mind numbing day of work.

I want this to be light. Conversational. Fun. Hopeful. Encouraging.
Plus, I like to talk about deep stuff and have found it very difficult to find people who want to listen. So, if you're one of those people who like to listen and find this fascinating, funny, sad, whatever. Awesome. I'm glad you're a part of this.

Time to get ready for my appointment.
Later world.

Podcast

I have joined the cool kids and started a podcast of my very own.
Seriously.
It focuses on the screwed up nature that is my brain.
So now Delicate Wrinkles is a fitting title for the blog.
For now on, I am going to use the blog as an opportunity to write what I discuss in the podcast.
Cool beans.
I am really stoked about this. I usually only get this excited when it involves a story idea or current novel project. This is great.
Later tonight or tomorrow morning I will post a summary of episode one.

Later peeps!

Pursuit

The pursuit of a dream, that quest to bring a vision into the light. Mold into it form. Breathe into it life. Difficult. Tiresome. Arduous. A venture for the strong of heart and mind. Don't get me wrong, depression and anxiety slips into the conscious grey and evokes insanity from time to time. The fight continually rages. One side fires with negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, mind numbing distractions, and unrelenting doubt. How can I go on with such shit? Ah, but the other side responds with prayer, mantras, cups of tea or coffee, the kind words of a friend, a positive review, the love of a child, a wife. To whom shall I listen? Compulsion compels me to obsess--negative or good--it matters not. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. Until it's complete. When victory is assured. Only then can we rest. But briefly. For another project looms.

Spelling

Reviewing spelling words with my 6 year old daughter. She has a test tomorrow. I am glad I left the field of teaching because this is not my forte. However, she did get a 100 on the test last week; that was the first week I took over with homework duties. The difficulty lies with my daughter's inability to stay focused for more than five seconds. This is on medication too. Without it I might get a good second or two. Better get back to it.

Yippee

Tomorrow I will begin the first draft of the new Spiral Effect. I'm excited. Yes, that's right. I'm excited to write.
Write write write
Write until my fingers bleed
Write write write
Write until my eyes implode.
Or until I get sleepy.

Bounce those eyebrows

I'm praying and tinkering and creating and flowing like a beast master. Yes sir and madame. Feeling good and taking care of business. Been seeing a counselor. Made some realizations. Haven't felt this good in a long time. Let me tell you, years. Like, 7. Maybe more.

Outstanding.

Made some headway on the third installment of the Spiral Effect. The Soldier is picking up steam and nearly ready for a first draft. The outline begins to flesh itself out, growing meat on those bones.

Dem bones
dem bones.

Reminds me of Ed. A good friend I rarely see anymore. But what can you do when a state sits between you and a friend? Visits of once a year will due.

Prayers for the world.
Sleep tight.
Good dreams.
Love to all.

Tired

And near exhaustion.
Child Welfare is a physically and mentally draining job. If you didn't know, already. I am sure, however, most could have guessed.
This will not be a problem much longer. I put in my two week notice today. Relief. Joy. Exuberance.
Now, is the time to focus on God's vision for me.
Crazy? Nah.
I must do what I was made to do. And I was made for writing. Telling stories. Crafting tales.
The past few months have been a chaotic mess of me fighting this calling. Don't get my wrong. I love to write. It is an act of worship for me. However, this comfortable life style we find ourselves in the US is something I have grown quite accustomed to. Following God and his vision for us isn't exactly a guarantee of comfort. I accept that now.
Sure, I might get another job. I understand and accept that as a possibility. However, I'm fine with lower pay if it is less demanding.  I need my brain energized to write. The day to day of stumbling through the door in exhaustion has taken its toll.
Even now, I have difficulty maintaining focus and concentration.
I feel I have become redundant.
And this post isn't very long.
I have been tinkering a bit with the 3rd installment of the Spiral Effect. Also been working on a new Memoirs from the Other Realm. Mental stamina being low, I've only been able to put in about 20 to thirty minutes of solid writing.
Better than nothing.
Sure thing.
Well, I'm bloody tired.
Good night world, may the Lord bless your sleep with the Spirit's kiss.

Into the wind

I feel like that kid on Wet Hot American Summer. The one who does the radio broadcast. He speaks into an unplugged system. No one hears his show the entire summer. But man, that kid put on one hell of a radio show.

Insanity

Truly, I am losing my mind today. Tomorrow? Well, I might be a different person then.

Going back

So, I have returned to the novel I began over ten years ago. My opus. The story that began this journey into writing. I have completed the novel twice. Rewritten it 12 or more times. And here I am, beginning anew. Well, not beginning anew now. I began anew about a year and a half ago. However, I am still brainstorming. Seems crazy to spend so much time working on a story, rewriting it, tossing it, starting over, repeat, repeat, repeat. At this rate, it might never see publication. (I'm an optimist who sometimes becomes dramatic, so I do not really believe I will not complete it.) Then why the continuous rewriting? Well, I have never been satisfied with previous versions. The story didn't feel complete. Always something out of sync with the plot, characters, or various devices thrown in. See, in the beginning, I set out to simply have a planet that manufactured the coolest damn tech. No real reason. However, this past year as I have grown as a storyteller, I realized things like technology need to reflect the culture and the people. It's not fulfilling or complete for it to simply be there. It needs a purpose. I realized the same with the environment. The clothing. The work. The attitude. I had to completely rebuild this culture, which is necessary for a space opera. Well, a good space opera. I look back and try to imagine the difficult work and effort Frank Herbert put into Dune. The series has been a huge inspiration.

The story is beginning to develop in ways I could never had dreamed ten years ago. Five years ago. Three years ago. The characters have new life, greater depth. The planet is more dense. The plot smoother. I had to cut out so many pointless subplots.

I figure the remaining bit of brainstorming will take a month or two (I was able to salvage a great deal of the main plot--just a lot of tweaks--a shit load of tweaks). I will write some shorts and perhaps finish Jeremiah during these two months.

That's kind of all for tonight.

Working Hard for Those Stars

I have been sending one query after another to various reviewers in the hopes he or she will read The Spiral Effect and give a positive 4 to 5 star review. Emails. Filling out forms. Copying and Pasting. So much fun. No...no it isn't. It is, however, absolutely necessary when you are an Indie Author trying to get attention for your books. I also published The Spiral Effect and Alex Wonder on Smashwords. I have to say, that site is pretty legit. In 3 days The Spiral Effect has hit 61 downloads. Much better than the first three days I had a year or so ago with Amazon during a promotional period. Here's to hoping some positive reaction comes from it. I truly hope to do this full time one day. 

For now, I need sleep. I still have an 8 to 5 job I need to attend. 

Busy

Working. 
The ideas and plans, plottings and shenanigans are coming together. Much more later.
Yes...
Much more.

Anxiety

The waiting.
The anticipation.
For what?
And for how long?
I am not at a crossroads. That would make life a bit simpler. No, I am on the road with a rest stop to my right, a large amusement park of a distraction to my left, and the Goal ever forward. I can't see my goal, but I believe it is there. I have to. If not, then I took the wrong road.
But I should rest. The mind needs it. The soul yearns for it. I could push and bleed and cry and scream all to squeeze out a single sentence for some story I hope to finish one day. All to feel accomplished. Or, I could do what is necessary-push aside the anxiety, enjoy and praise the talents of friends instead of competing to see who's dream is more successful.
I must remember: The first one to reach his dream is not better than the one who arrives late. For some the journey is longer. Some are easily distracted. Others need to rest more frequently. A few chose the wrong road and had to backtrack. As long as we nurture our talents and turn the dream into a reality.

I refuse to bury it in the sand.

Style

So, I have been pondering style this week. Should I wear a fedora again? Perhaps grow a mustache. Stuff myself into skinny jeans?

Uh...not that type of style.
Right.
Remember where you're writing.
On the internet.
No humor accepted on the web.
Conversations with myself leave little room to the imagination.
Then get on with it.

Style. The way I craft a sentence. Word choice. Diction. Inflection. All of the wonderful elements of writing. When it comes to fiction, I love it. My heart, soul, body, and mind connect with the story in a spiritual way, so of course, I want to share my stories in a way that immerses the reader into the dream he or she forgets it is a book, forgets the story has a writer. I enjoy experimenting with style in fiction. Some may not understand, but I experience joy rewriting a sentence five, ten, twenty times to get it perfect. Now, I don't do this with every sentence, typically at the beginning. Because once I really set the stylistic tone of a novel, it flows much easier as the story progresses.

Blogs, Non-fiction, summaries, synopsis, whatever else is a pain in the ass in regards to style. Why? I think it is because in the realm of non-fiction, there is more of a temptation to show how well you write as opposed to what you say. Of course, maybe it's just me. I typically think, "want people to notice a blog, use a style showing brilliance and word mastery." Well, that takes all the fun of running a blog, hence the lack of daily, hell, weekly blogs. I want people to see what I can really do as a writer; so, I will have them read my fiction. Well, not too many people are keen on reading a unknown author's work, let alone pay 1.99 for it. All right, then let's set up a blog. Yay, now I can spend over an hour typing and editing so I can sound as pretentious as possible in the hopes of a reader stumbling upon my page. Sending prayers of, "Lord, may they find me brilliant and thank You and all Your Glory for creating a writer like me." Blah. No time for that. I'll stream my thoughts. Expunge words. Vomit ideas. Shit opinions.

I'd rather expend stylistic energy to describe a scene.

Why ramble about this? Well, the entire reason I write, the idea rattled around my mind. And that's a writer. Ideas float in the noggin, can't rest until it's on paper or a screen.

Also, this is a fucking blog. Let's get over myself, huh?

Lack of Quantity

I am not procrastinating. Rather, I choose my words and content carefully. This does not always rule in my favor. I freeze, for far too long, when an idea eludes me. Distraction shoots tennis balls at me as I try to create the best wording for each sentence. Work numbs my mind to creative thought by day's end.

However, progress occured this weekend. A breakthrough. An eruption of light upon the dark places in which I crawl when life becomes unmanageable and depressing. Today, all is well.

Keeping schedules and promises

are very difficult for writers. At least for this one. So, I thought I would make an effort and submit another blog post to coincide with the one from yesterday. Coincide? More like two distant cousins walking by in happenstance. Nothing in common. Not much to do with each other. But their cousins, so hey.

Oh well. Two posts in two days. Who cares whether they mesh or not. I have my reasons.
Only one, really. I am trying out the whole "write every day" mantra (and mean it) even if it requires the scribble (or typing) of incoherent gibberish or filth that has nothing to do with a novel, short story, or script I happen to be writing.  Yes, I need something to unleash the torrential whirlwind of characters, plots, dialogue, settings, descriptions--the madness, the insanity--tumbling and exploding everyday. Each day about fifty different conversations occur in my head. Different people with different lives. No, not once do I ever believe they are ever "me" and act like him or her (however, I will converse with them). But they live here (or transmit their messages) and I do my best to listen and remember what they say or do to write down later. I am not always faithful in my endeavors, but I do try. Hopefully these efforts grow as the future steps forward.

A random note:
I am testing out various prices as an hypothesis to marketing and enticing people to buy my short stories and novels. I become skeptical when I see a book priced cheap or free as its normal price. However, if it is marked down from 7.99 or higher, I am more inclined to buy it. Screwed up, I know, but that is the human condition. We are skeptical people prone to believe the negative and doubt the good. More on that in another blog.

Be sure to check out my friend's band, When the Clock Strikes. The band has a music video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/ZK2AKPhkjfU

Construction

Pending? Bet your ass. I have images, words, blurbs, and ideas ping ponging around my head. Once I hit pause and freeze them long enough to gain a better understanding of what these are, I will post. More frequently too. However, a quick update: from December to March I wrote 55 pages for the satirical picutre book Jeremiah. I have met with my dear friend and artist Nick on 2 separate occasions and made quite a bit of progress.

I started a new job back in February. It's okay.

I began, completed, revised, and edited a screenplay. Goes to some local producers in a few weeks to see if it is something they want to film.

Construction will soon end. Until then...