I believe a certain person or two is trolling the blog. Facts mentioned in the last post were manipulated, dissected, and distorted into fallacy. One lied and said he was ready to listen when in fact he only wanted an "in" so he could once again tell me his uninformed take on this entire mess.
Why is an 18 year old the supposed voice for certain people in their fifties? Capable people.
If I wasn't angry before, I am now.
But I won't let the darkness in.
I cannot allow hate to win my heart.
I will love those who are acting unlovable.
So many have been in a similar situation. At times it feels easier to give up, say you're sorry, and move on as if nothing had happened.
But this isn't about winning and losing. No one is winning here. Lack of communication continues.
However, a light did shine yesterday. One reached out, kindly and compassionately, and asked to speak in person. She appears genuine. I hope we can come to some sort of understanding. Because honestly, the lack of understanding and the overabundance of assumptions drives me insane.
How about you?
I pray I have a positive update to write on Saturday.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Holiday Revelation
Yesterday was a new experience. I did not celebrate Christmas with the Gilmartin family. I made the decision to not attend around three weeks ago after my brother and sister responded in rage toward an episode of my podcast.
“You badmouthed the family.”
“You hurt some people.”
I have asked, “Who and How,” but to no avail.
“Listen to your podcast again.”
Their chant without examples or specific information. Anger and frustration consumed me. I said things in anger. Wish I hadn’t, but they cannot be erased.
In all honesty, I recorded episode without malicious intent or desire to cause the family pain. Episode 8 (every episode for that matter) focuses on mental disorders, coping mechanisms, and how those closest to us play a part. Somehow translation became skewed.
“You badmouthed the family.”
It appears no one wants to discuss the overall issue. I know because they are never brought up.
What is the overall issue? Well, in regards to the podcast, it focuses on dealing with my disorders.
ADD
OCD
Major Depressive Disorder
Psychological and Verbal as a child
How family typically plays a role in the abuse
But it’s more than that. It’s how all of us cope. What we experience. And hopefully, we gain some insight and healing.
I would love to talk to them about it; however, I cannot make them sit down and listen. Perhaps they’re not ready. If someone close to me told them I was hurting them emotionally or mentally, would I respond the same or differently? In the past, I have responded negatively and positively.
We could spend our entire life going over hypotheticals and not achieve our goals.
All things considered, I am doing well. The meds help greatly. However, the cognitive exercises I picked up in some books and therapy have also helped. This week held a great chance of backsliding. Giving into self-doubt and negative self-talk. There was also an opportunity to get into an ill-advised argument with a family member who dropped by the house. I am still confused by some of the things said today.
“You screwed up…burned bridges…irreparable damage…done with you.”
Have any of you experienced a conversation like this?
Of course you have. This seems common for children today and yesterday I actually remember hearing and having these conversations while growing up. As a child how do you process it? How do you not let it affect you?
Get over it?
Ignore it?
Difficult, especially for a developing child.
Why do we hurt others like this? Hurt people hurt other people to feel some sort of healing. A shame this has become a norm. However, it doesn’t mean we should accept it as normal behavior.
My advice is to move forward. If some still hurt you with negative talk and manipulation, you do not have to spend time with them. Easier said than done, but it’s something therapists highly suggest.
I have decided to spend more time with my children.
With my wife.
With my friends.
Helping at church.
Writing.
Podcasting.
Work.
Does this mean I am done with my family? No. I am saying right now, as I heal, it’s best for me to stay away. Sometimes we make the mistake of trying to “fix” or “change” people. I believe that is something I would try and do right now, which would only make matters worse. I also think if a family member spoke to me, my wife, or children in a negative way, I would allow anger to get the best of me and respond hurtful word for hurtful word.
Growth is difficult.
As is change.
We have to believe it can occur.
For me, it’s through Christ.
Hearts will heal.
Minds will grow.
Not on our time
And not in our way.
As a child, who would have thought life could be this complex?
“You badmouthed the family.”
“You hurt some people.”
I have asked, “Who and How,” but to no avail.
“Listen to your podcast again.”
Their chant without examples or specific information. Anger and frustration consumed me. I said things in anger. Wish I hadn’t, but they cannot be erased.
In all honesty, I recorded episode without malicious intent or desire to cause the family pain. Episode 8 (every episode for that matter) focuses on mental disorders, coping mechanisms, and how those closest to us play a part. Somehow translation became skewed.
“You badmouthed the family.”
It appears no one wants to discuss the overall issue. I know because they are never brought up.
What is the overall issue? Well, in regards to the podcast, it focuses on dealing with my disorders.
ADD
OCD
Major Depressive Disorder
Psychological and Verbal as a child
How family typically plays a role in the abuse
But it’s more than that. It’s how all of us cope. What we experience. And hopefully, we gain some insight and healing.
I would love to talk to them about it; however, I cannot make them sit down and listen. Perhaps they’re not ready. If someone close to me told them I was hurting them emotionally or mentally, would I respond the same or differently? In the past, I have responded negatively and positively.
We could spend our entire life going over hypotheticals and not achieve our goals.
All things considered, I am doing well. The meds help greatly. However, the cognitive exercises I picked up in some books and therapy have also helped. This week held a great chance of backsliding. Giving into self-doubt and negative self-talk. There was also an opportunity to get into an ill-advised argument with a family member who dropped by the house. I am still confused by some of the things said today.
“You screwed up…burned bridges…irreparable damage…done with you.”
Have any of you experienced a conversation like this?
Of course you have. This seems common for children today and yesterday I actually remember hearing and having these conversations while growing up. As a child how do you process it? How do you not let it affect you?
Get over it?
Ignore it?
Difficult, especially for a developing child.
Why do we hurt others like this? Hurt people hurt other people to feel some sort of healing. A shame this has become a norm. However, it doesn’t mean we should accept it as normal behavior.
My advice is to move forward. If some still hurt you with negative talk and manipulation, you do not have to spend time with them. Easier said than done, but it’s something therapists highly suggest.
I have decided to spend more time with my children.
With my wife.
With my friends.
Helping at church.
Writing.
Podcasting.
Work.
Does this mean I am done with my family? No. I am saying right now, as I heal, it’s best for me to stay away. Sometimes we make the mistake of trying to “fix” or “change” people. I believe that is something I would try and do right now, which would only make matters worse. I also think if a family member spoke to me, my wife, or children in a negative way, I would allow anger to get the best of me and respond hurtful word for hurtful word.
Growth is difficult.
As is change.
We have to believe it can occur.
For me, it’s through Christ.
Hearts will heal.
Minds will grow.
Not on our time
And not in our way.
As a child, who would have thought life could be this complex?
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Hmmm
I am not staying on top of the blog. Meant this to correlate with the podcast. Time to be active. Taking notes now for an upcoming entry.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Holidays and Family
Today was intense. I shall not get into too much detail but it involved a slew of F bombs flying around from me toward one of my sisters and my lone brother. Things escalated. I left. So, I am giving myself a day to objectively think about it, vent any feelings that may remain, and gain some perspective before recording Episode 8. I would hate to use Episode 8 as a platform for venting my frustrations. That is, and never will be, the purpose of the show. I have typed up extensive notes for tomorrow night's episode and cannot wait to record it. I will discuss some of what occurred today. The main focus for Episode 8, however, is on Negative Self-Talk. This is a very intense topic and has been difficult to prepare for. I have had to go back to my past and re-experience some old hurts. I am doing well now, but those first few days last week took some prayer and breathing exercises. I had to force myself to write notes because I realized I was procrastinating this very topic.
I hope you guys enjoy it.
Until tomorrow evening.
I hope you guys enjoy it.
Until tomorrow evening.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Addison
Last Thursday, my daughter presented an unusual request. Well, let's say unusual for the normies out there. This request was typical of Addison's personality. She wanted to bring her umbrella to school. The sky was slightly overcast but certainly no chance for rain. I guess she read my confusion because she proceeded to explain.
"I'm a vampire and don't want the sun to burn me."
Made perfect sense.
We have been enjoying the Adventure Time miniseries "Stakes", a 6 episode arc centered around Marceline the Vampire Queen and her origin. If you haven't watched Adventure Time, I highly suggest you stop what you're doing and watch it. Greatest show ever.
"No problem." I told Addison.
So worth it seeing her smile the way she did.
Now, we had not yet eaten breakfast, so I pulled into the convenient store she and I frequent from time to time. Addison unbluckled and grabbed her umbrella. I stood with her door open and stared in silence. This is one of those times where my brain goes into overthink mode and time and space freeze. A million thoughts process and spiral from one end to the other. The first thought to fully form was to tell her to leave the umbrella in the car. She would ask why. I would try to make up a reason so as not to say "because I don't want people to think we're weird."
Then, another thought. A better thought.
Do I want my daughter to grow up with the worry of how others view her?
If she took the umbrella into the store, would anyone come to harm? No.
Time and Space unfroze and life resumed as normal.
"Sure." I said.
Addison held the umbrella from car to store, loudly declaring she needed protection from the sun since she was a vampire.
I am glad and thankful the Holy Spirit gave me pause. My initial desired response to tell Addison no was purely reactive due to years of social fear instilled by an unhealthy childhood. I don't want history to repeat itself with my daughter. I don't want to live with that fear anymore. I have an opportunity to give my daughter a mentally healthy life, so we will let our weird, creative, and freak flag fly.
"I'm a vampire and don't want the sun to burn me."
Made perfect sense.
We have been enjoying the Adventure Time miniseries "Stakes", a 6 episode arc centered around Marceline the Vampire Queen and her origin. If you haven't watched Adventure Time, I highly suggest you stop what you're doing and watch it. Greatest show ever.
"No problem." I told Addison.
So worth it seeing her smile the way she did.
Now, we had not yet eaten breakfast, so I pulled into the convenient store she and I frequent from time to time. Addison unbluckled and grabbed her umbrella. I stood with her door open and stared in silence. This is one of those times where my brain goes into overthink mode and time and space freeze. A million thoughts process and spiral from one end to the other. The first thought to fully form was to tell her to leave the umbrella in the car. She would ask why. I would try to make up a reason so as not to say "because I don't want people to think we're weird."
Then, another thought. A better thought.
Do I want my daughter to grow up with the worry of how others view her?
If she took the umbrella into the store, would anyone come to harm? No.
Time and Space unfroze and life resumed as normal.
"Sure." I said.
Addison held the umbrella from car to store, loudly declaring she needed protection from the sun since she was a vampire.
I am glad and thankful the Holy Spirit gave me pause. My initial desired response to tell Addison no was purely reactive due to years of social fear instilled by an unhealthy childhood. I don't want history to repeat itself with my daughter. I don't want to live with that fear anymore. I have an opportunity to give my daughter a mentally healthy life, so we will let our weird, creative, and freak flag fly.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Progress Report 3
Will air sometime tomorrow night. I will record tomorrow evening around 9 PM and then post sometime after that. Sadly, my laptop is glitching out and I will soon have to purchase a new one. However, I have enough juice left in her to record the next episode. Just thought I would throw out an update in case anyone was wondering why a new episode did not hit tonight or tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Some Success
Well, it appears the podcast is gaining a small following. This is amazing. I really can't think of anything else to say because I am almost incapable of accepting compliments or success. That will be a topic for another episode. I am hoping to have my friend Rick Poindexter on the show in 2 weeks. Episode 8: Anxiety with Rick. Has a nice ring to it. I shouldn't talk about it too much because merely mentioning it this weekend started to give him a panic attack.
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